I'm In My Fours

Yesterday S. came home and announced that the father of one of her friends turned 40. "He's in his 40's," she said.

Z. was right on queue. He said, "I am in my fours!."

Time To Bash

Its been busy. And I've been down. Actually, I've been down since about February. But that's a post for a different blog...

Suffice to say, I have been considering not doing a big Thanksgiving this year. I've done a big bash every year since I met R. This will be our 20th Thanksgiving together. Anyway, I've thought I couldn't do it this year, but then I read Ezra's post and I kicked myself in my own ass. What a wuss I would be not to get into the cheer of it.

Besides, its a tradition and my children need this in their lives.

When I was in Dallas the last time, I was pregnant w/ Z and S was not quite 18 months, I went out to Forth Worth and saw an exhibit of photographs of the photographer's wife with her three sisters - there was one photo for each year over a 20 or 25 year period. The women always stood in the same order and the shot was just of them - the background was not important nor prominent. It was very powerful. The captions of each photo described a bit of what was happening at each point in time. I want to do that kind of project with S & Z.

So, in honor of Ezra I will bash on Thanksgiving and photograph S & Z specifically for the record book. I'll share it here.

UPDATE:

Here's a link about the exhibit I saw at the Fort Worth Museum of Modern Art. The Photographer was Nicholas Nixon and the exhibit is The Brown Sisters.

Mommy Is Too Hard To Break

Z. said over dinner two nights ago. Little did he know that all he had to do was touch me with his four-year-old hand and I would have dissolved completely. I'd had the worst of days.

But Tuesday is behind me and Friday upon me. Busy weekend of cooking and friends should do the trick. As I said to E. I have somehow managed to pull myself slightly back from the edge of my balcony over the abyss.

Tough week, but it could have been tougher.

Rescue

As a family we watched the first Chilean Miner emerge from the ground and exit the rescue capsule. I am truly in awe of so many things; the greatness of God, the technology available, the engineers who designed the rescue, the government who put their full force behind the effort, the resolve of everyone involved. My heart swells with respect for this achievement.

And, too, of course, the courage of the miners themselves to work together to ration what little they had and support each other through an endurance test unlike any other.

So many extraordinary people - what a blessing to us all. What amazing examples of who we all could be.

S & Z cried as the first man came out and hugged his son.

Overwhelmed

There's just so much stuff. They do so much stuff and say so much stuff. So. Much. Stuff!

This weekend was all about parites; the firefighters pancake breakfast and ride in the fire truck. Sophie's pool party. Sarah's BBQ birthday picnic. We had lots of fun!

Its a good thing :-)

Four Today

Z. is 4 today! He is such an easy person to be with. He started his new school two weeks ago and seems just fine. Today as we drove across El Camino he said, "Mom, I love my new school!" You can't imagine my relief. I know he misses his friends, but change was going to happen eventually. And I know he is truly loved by the amazing and wonderful woman at SVA.

S. needs so much more from me. And I am always so tired. My job sucks and it sucks me dry. But my inner voice says its (the job) not worth any worry. Just do it and get out. Nothing extra, nothing more. They don't give and don't care, why should I? And so, S. is already getting more of me. I have a little more patients and I make a little more time. She works hard, and so do I.

Melancholy

In my kitchen alone. Cooking and listening to music. Its a hot summer day.

She's Always Got My Back

S. was great. I had a little bumper to bumper contact on Saturday night. S. woke up. After we settled business (no cops - the bumpee was illegal) S. said, "Mommy, I love you."

Girlfriend takes care of her own!

Hack'n Goddess

That would be me :-)

Hack'n

I am no hacker, but I am putting my best foot forward. I gotta get into my mom's computer! EEEK!

Sam Thought I Was Food

I got a call from the Red Room last week, Z. had been bitten by another child. He was all right, but its their protocol to alert parents. No skin was broken, no blood was shed. They couldn't tell me who bit him, but I had my suspicions.

When I got home I asked Z., anything interesting happen at school today?

"Yep. Sam thought I was food!" said Z. in a tone suggesting that he'd never experienced anything so outrageous in his life.

Sam and Z. have been friends for more than two years - most of their lives. I know his folks, and his grandmother. We've been to some really great parties at Sam's home. I am not at all concerned that Sam is some sort of bully. I think he just had something on his mind and lost track of his manners. Z. agrees with me.

"Sam apologized. And Sam asked me if we are still friends. I said yes." also in the tone of voice that suggests that Z. thought Sam's question was completely crazy.

My little fella really makes me feel warm and mushy!

Who Will I Marry, Mommy?

Lately Z. is deeply concerned about whom he will marry. He said he wants to marry me. When I told him that's not how things work, that he would marry someone he meets when he got older, he said he didn't like that idea. If he couldn't marry me he would marry Grandma.

We called Grandma so he could ask her right away. She wasn't home. He still would prefer to marry me.

He'll get over me someday and move on. I'm sure of it.

Stoves and Other Necessary Stuff

Had lunch with E. We commiserate about life a lot. Today, in trying to describe my family roll I told her that I am the stove that cooks the meal. Without me nothing happens :-) I am the stove and my family are the various pots and pans :-)

I like to cook. Actually I am passionate about it.

Black Belts and Bliss

This was a perfect Friday evening. Alex taught his first class as a
black belt. S and Z both caught the frisbe today and I sat listening
to music in the beauty of the park while the wind sang in the trees.

Just Plain Pooped

Z. would not wake up this morning. He just would not get out of bed. He couldn't even open his little eyes. He's been going like crazy lately and I think he just needs a day off. Fortunately R and BC are home today, so they can keep an eye on him. Poor little fella must be a little burned out.

A Thousand Things

I have so much I want to blog about. But time is limited. I hope I can re-commit to blogging at least three times per week.

S. got her yellow belt yesterday. I am *so* proud of her. There's no way she' going to Harvard without her black belt, and I only have 13 more years to prep her :-) She's more awesome than anyone I know.

Except Z. His sense of place and order grow daily and support his learning quite strongly. He's amazing.

My kids ROCK!

Circles Around Me

I like to think I can run circles around most people; I work full time, I am raising two little kids, and I prepare almost every morsel of food my family consumes from scratch. I am organized, and hard working. I am devoted. I move fast and multitask like no one you've ever seen.

But last night, my little bitty cherubs ran circles around me. Literally. As we were coming out of Costco we bumped into my colleaguem, Ed, and his wife. While trying to make polite conversation my children ran around me like I was the center of the ring around the rosies! I felt like the world's worst mom. Then I laughed thinking of the symbolism of their activity.

My kids Rock! ROCK!

Married

S. said yesterday that she is never getting married. She says she wants to always live with me. I told her she may change her mind. She will probably meet someone special some day and feel differently about it. She insisted that would not be the case.

Pink Cake

S. has wanted to bake a pink strawberry cake for a long time. We did it yesterday. I took some of it to work and S. asked me to be sure to take a special piece for Edward.

S. really loves Edward. S. is an extremely good judge of character. I have worked with Edward for a decade. Never once have I seen him cross, let alone angry or frustrated and believe you me, there were many times when no one would have blamed him!

Hands On The Arts

S. and Z. performed today. They did great! We spent all day doing arts and crafts.

Half Asian

I don't remember why, but while we were in the car I asked S. what her race is. She said American. I pointed out the R. is Asian, and therefore she is half Asian. She asked me which half!

I've Seen It A Thousand Times

And it it still makes me choke up.

Cars.

It actually came out before I had kids; back in the day when I was
more in to grown up movies. The first time I saw it we started the
dvd and th revving of the engine sort of startled me, and left me
thinking I wouldn't like the movie.

But by the end I was hooked.

I truly believe that Cars is Pixars greatest film. The message and
the story are beautifully done. Its a fabulous illustration of
friendship and integrity.

Last night I saw it again and down came the tears.

Taken Over and Thrown Out

Well, we got bought out back in Feb. Things started to change immediately. They went from cold to cold hearted and now they've progressed to freezing us out. Not only have they withheld coffee cups for over a week, but they've cleaned out the medicine cabinet. The only thing left is some expired tylenol and some bandaids.

Place and Order

I gotta write a post about place and order. Its Z's hallmark.

Dance Day Saturday - And Friends!

Dance class today. Both classes are prepping for the big recital next month. They are doing great.

We went to Rainbow Park this afternoon and met Y and Y :-) I didn't realize just how much S loves Y. They are peas in a pod. The kids ran and played and laughed. It was a picture perfect afternoon. And for me, it was a guilty pleasure. I spent two hours getting to know M better and she is positively a delight.

Dinner at El Amigo, shopping at Zad. It was a good day.

Pajama Day

It was Pajama Day at school for S. She chose to wear her blue Disney Princess PJs that Eileen and family gave her for Christmas (or maybe it was her birthday!). I found her Disney Princess blanket and pillow that she used when she was in Pre-K and I also sent a bedroll. She took her new Ruby Bridges book to share. She had a great day. She looked adorable running in to school schlepping her backpack and blankets. I was very happy she had a good day.

Clutter, I gotta get rid of the clutter in my house...

Our Lady of Pancakes

So, I'm a kinda busy person. I work full time and run my household pretty much myself. So when I want time with friends I gotta squeeze it in. Sometimes on Saturday mornings I meet my bff for breakfast at Our Lady of Pancakes (aka the Ihop next to the 40 ft steel statue of
Our Lady of Peace). NOTETOSELF: take a photo of th statue.

Anyway, we met at 6:30. Its fun. I noticed, though, that my demeanor wasn't so upbeat. I noticed this the other day when I was on the phone with bff. I think, overall, even though I am no longer weeping through my days, I clearly have work to do on the depression front.

Blogged from my Blackberry while S is in dance class. SWEET!

I am Super Super...

That's what Z. says these days... I am super super hungry! I am super super tired! I am super super...!

Grown Up Movies

Tonight is a good night for Z. He and Baba are watching a grown up movie together in the front room. As they watch I can hear them talking about the characters, the actors and what's happening on the screen. Rao is teaching Z. that Robert DiNero is one of the stars of the movie. They are watching Ronin.

The bad guys are running away! Did you see how they are driving the car?

Where's the good guy - going after the bad guy, right?

The Aforementioned Mourned Pak-N-Save

So, I knew for probably nearly a year that my beloved Pak-N-Save was to be renovated into an ultra-modern, too-dark-to-shop-in Safeway. I spent most of that year in denial. I kept thinking that something would happen at the last minute and they wouldn't dare to close down the store I have loved and shopped in for more than 15 years.

Yes, 15 years. 15 wonderful years. While life spun around me, I could always depend on my dear Pak-N-Save.

I never needed a list, I just knew where I needed to go. I always shopped in the same path and rarely forgot stuff. I knew where everything was. I could shop in my sleep.

They closed it. On my birthday. ON.MY.BIRTHDAY!

Three days before they closed the store, I went shopping. As I walked in everything seemed fine, but as I rounded the corner from produce to the bread and meat what I saw before me shook me to my core.

The store was half empty.

Blessed Day Indeed

Today was just right. I went with S.'s kinder/1st class to the Children's Discovery Museum. Mom went, too. We had egg sandwiches for lunch - a special treat S. really loves. The ration was 2 students per chaperon which really made it easy to enjoy being together. I helped S. make a corn husk doll. We also made a mobile. They had foam shapes the children could punch holes in. The hole-punchers were difficult for S.'s little hands, so I punched the holes.

We had a good time.

S. and I went to get Z. at about 3:30. We were going to Target up on Steven's Creek, but S. wanted to got to the new Target in Sunnyvale, and Z. wanted to go there, too, so at the last moment I hung a right onto Sunnyvale/Saratoga road. Turns out it was a super cool thing!

As we drove past my much mourned Pak-N-Save, they were tearing down the last of the building. I swerved to go into the parking lot and we got out of the car and spent about half an hour watching as the huge "scoops" pulled down the wall and moved massive piles of building-junk all over. It was really exciting. We had a blast just watching them work.

I am thankful to have such great memories. We really enjoyed each other.

As Soon As I Am Able to Put The Leaves Back On The Trees

Last fall Z. went through a phase where he would ask for the impossible and get totally bent when he couldn't have what he wanted. One evening in particular, as we pulled up to the house, he saw that all the dead leaves had been blown off the trees. He was very upset. As far as we was concerned the leaves should only be on the trees. He screamed for me to put them back on the tree. He was upset for 45 minutes.

Z. has a very strong sense of place and order. He's been like that since he was about 13 months old. He is tidy and particular about stuff.

Shortly after the leaves and trees incident, we sold our 1995 Ford Taurus. Affectionately referred to by Z. as the brown car. When we all left the parking lot in the van, and the guy took the car Z. went crazy. He wanted the car back. His uneasiness went on for quite a while - i.e. weeks and weeks.

A couple of weeks after the sale, as we pulled up to the house, Z. again demanded that we get the brown car back. I told him that I'd get to that task as soon as I figured out my first task, which was to get the leaves back onto the trees.

Henceforth, when Z. asks for something impossible, I tell him I'll do it as soon as I finish putting the leaves back on the trees.

Well, today he called me on it. He pointed out that the leaves, although quite small, seemed to be back on the trees.

I now need to get the brown car back :-)

A Full Heart

I am so blessed. I am exhausted and stressed, but know that my situation is most fortunate - especially because I didn't actually cry today. I almost did, but I didn't.

S. tried tuna and salmon sashimi tonight that I was having for dinner. She liked them both. This was her first sushi. I get the best sushi from Safeway of all places.

R. and Z. are out in the living room watching The Bourne Identity together. In typical fashion R is narating the whole thing for Z. Z is asking lots of questions...

"Baba, is he the bad guy?"

Monday's Tears

There's so much that is just so completely pointless. And the things that matter, many of them are gone.

S. has lost her two bottom front teeth. The first at school, on a Tuesday in March. The second fell on her knee last week while she was sitting in the restroom :-) These details are important.

Z. went to Stephen's birthday party. He's 3. He wasn't feeling very playful but his friends really had fun a the party. His mom gave out the most amazing goody bags - they were like birthday presents in and of themselves. Cars stickers, magnets, markers, colored pencils, coloring books, water color paints. They were lovely. Little aprons, too. Awesome.

We were all so tired on Saturday, we all napped for almost 3 hours in the afternoon. The house was completely quiet.

Or So I thought

I thought I felt better, but its still just all so amazingly sad. Although I cried again, its now again been a couple of days. I replaced the crying with terrible headaches that wake me up in the middle of the night. They are awful.

Functioning Better

It finally seems I am functioning better. Although I still can't help but see that sweet little boys face no matter where I am or what I am doing, I've managed not weep for two days now.

There seem to be so many things that just aren't important - particularly work :-)

I feel like I want to spend every minute remembering everything. I am afraid I am going to loose stuff.

Two Weeks Ago Tomorrow

Two weeks ago tomorrow I clicked on a picture on my contacts page of my flickr account. What I saw reached out from my computer screen and squeezed my heart so hard my tears began to flow and they just won't stop.

I didn't know the child. I don't really even know his Grandmother, whose picture I clicked. She was one of my first contacts because she takes lovey pictures of her garden.

Anyway, I didn't know this beautiful little boy, but I feel his loss as if he were my own child. I think about him all the time. I weep for him daily. I imagine how empty his mother must feel. Its killing me. I miss him so much and feel so deprived that I never had a change to get to know him.

I don't know why this child has so completely gripped me.

I am sorry that he is gone and hope that his spirit is free and happy beyond this world of pain and suffering.