Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Aforementioned Mourned Pak-N-Save

So, I knew for probably nearly a year that my beloved Pak-N-Save was to be renovated into an ultra-modern, too-dark-to-shop-in Safeway. I spent most of that year in denial. I kept thinking that something would happen at the last minute and they wouldn't dare to close down the store I have loved and shopped in for more than 15 years.

Yes, 15 years. 15 wonderful years. While life spun around me, I could always depend on my dear Pak-N-Save.

I never needed a list, I just knew where I needed to go. I always shopped in the same path and rarely forgot stuff. I knew where everything was. I could shop in my sleep.

They closed it. On my birthday. ON.MY.BIRTHDAY!

Three days before they closed the store, I went shopping. As I walked in everything seemed fine, but as I rounded the corner from produce to the bread and meat what I saw before me shook me to my core.

The store was half empty.

Blessed Day Indeed

Today was just right. I went with S.'s kinder/1st class to the Children's Discovery Museum. Mom went, too. We had egg sandwiches for lunch - a special treat S. really loves. The ration was 2 students per chaperon which really made it easy to enjoy being together. I helped S. make a corn husk doll. We also made a mobile. They had foam shapes the children could punch holes in. The hole-punchers were difficult for S.'s little hands, so I punched the holes.

We had a good time.

S. and I went to get Z. at about 3:30. We were going to Target up on Steven's Creek, but S. wanted to got to the new Target in Sunnyvale, and Z. wanted to go there, too, so at the last moment I hung a right onto Sunnyvale/Saratoga road. Turns out it was a super cool thing!

As we drove past my much mourned Pak-N-Save, they were tearing down the last of the building. I swerved to go into the parking lot and we got out of the car and spent about half an hour watching as the huge "scoops" pulled down the wall and moved massive piles of building-junk all over. It was really exciting. We had a blast just watching them work.

I am thankful to have such great memories. We really enjoyed each other.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

As Soon As I Am Able to Put The Leaves Back On The Trees

Last fall Z. went through a phase where he would ask for the impossible and get totally bent when he couldn't have what he wanted. One evening in particular, as we pulled up to the house, he saw that all the dead leaves had been blown off the trees. He was very upset. As far as we was concerned the leaves should only be on the trees. He screamed for me to put them back on the tree. He was upset for 45 minutes.

Z. has a very strong sense of place and order. He's been like that since he was about 13 months old. He is tidy and particular about stuff.

Shortly after the leaves and trees incident, we sold our 1995 Ford Taurus. Affectionately referred to by Z. as the brown car. When we all left the parking lot in the van, and the guy took the car Z. went crazy. He wanted the car back. His uneasiness went on for quite a while - i.e. weeks and weeks.

A couple of weeks after the sale, as we pulled up to the house, Z. again demanded that we get the brown car back. I told him that I'd get to that task as soon as I figured out my first task, which was to get the leaves back onto the trees.

Henceforth, when Z. asks for something impossible, I tell him I'll do it as soon as I finish putting the leaves back on the trees.

Well, today he called me on it. He pointed out that the leaves, although quite small, seemed to be back on the trees.

I now need to get the brown car back :-)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A Full Heart

I am so blessed. I am exhausted and stressed, but know that my situation is most fortunate - especially because I didn't actually cry today. I almost did, but I didn't.

S. tried tuna and salmon sashimi tonight that I was having for dinner. She liked them both. This was her first sushi. I get the best sushi from Safeway of all places.

R. and Z. are out in the living room watching The Bourne Identity together. In typical fashion R is narating the whole thing for Z. Z is asking lots of questions...

"Baba, is he the bad guy?"

Monday, March 22, 2010

Monday's Tears

There's so much that is just so completely pointless. And the things that matter, many of them are gone.

S. has lost her two bottom front teeth. The first at school, on a Tuesday in March. The second fell on her knee last week while she was sitting in the restroom :-) These details are important.

Z. went to Stephen's birthday party. He's 3. He wasn't feeling very playful but his friends really had fun a the party. His mom gave out the most amazing goody bags - they were like birthday presents in and of themselves. Cars stickers, magnets, markers, colored pencils, coloring books, water color paints. They were lovely. Little aprons, too. Awesome.

We were all so tired on Saturday, we all napped for almost 3 hours in the afternoon. The house was completely quiet.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Or So I thought

I thought I felt better, but its still just all so amazingly sad. Although I cried again, its now again been a couple of days. I replaced the crying with terrible headaches that wake me up in the middle of the night. They are awful.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Functioning Better

It finally seems I am functioning better. Although I still can't help but see that sweet little boys face no matter where I am or what I am doing, I've managed not weep for two days now.

There seem to be so many things that just aren't important - particularly work :-)

I feel like I want to spend every minute remembering everything. I am afraid I am going to loose stuff.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Two Weeks Ago Tomorrow

Two weeks ago tomorrow I clicked on a picture on my contacts page of my flickr account. What I saw reached out from my computer screen and squeezed my heart so hard my tears began to flow and they just won't stop.

I didn't know the child. I don't really even know his Grandmother, whose picture I clicked. She was one of my first contacts because she takes lovey pictures of her garden.

Anyway, I didn't know this beautiful little boy, but I feel his loss as if he were my own child. I think about him all the time. I weep for him daily. I imagine how empty his mother must feel. Its killing me. I miss him so much and feel so deprived that I never had a change to get to know him.

I don't know why this child has so completely gripped me.

I am sorry that he is gone and hope that his spirit is free and happy beyond this world of pain and suffering.